Coulda, Woulda, Shoulda: I Should Have Called More Do-Overs

Every backyard baseball player knows the value of a do-over. When a play on the field is disputed and there appears to be no solution, you simply turn back time and start all over. It’s a simple idea I could have easily translated to the game of mommy-dom.

I should have called a do-over whenever there was escalating conflict and neither side (including me!) had any intention of backing down. I should have stopped, taken a breath, asked the quarrelers into neutral territory, and then started over from the beginning. Each person would have a chance to tell his or her side of the story without interruption or critique. After one child (or parent) had finished, then the other person would repeat what he or she heard said, enabling a complete understanding of the true facts and feelings involved in the situation. Once everyone had been heard, we could all work together on a solution. By taking a do-over in an argument, we teach children the art of conflict resolution.

I should have taken a do-over when I automatically spit out, “No, because I said so.” I should have stopped and gone back to the beginning and asked for a full explanation of the request. I would have voiced my understanding and concerns. If my answer was still a “no,” I would have explained my reasoning behind the veto. When we help a child understand our answers, our children learn about our concerns for them and begin to understand the “whys” of our “nos.”

I should have taken a do-over when I had a melt-down over spilled milk, dirty laundry, or the disaster area known as the kitchen. I should have taken a breath, surveyed the damage, and made a list of jobs to do in order to restore the situation. I would have called a family emergency meeting and handed out assignments so that we all could be involved in cleanup. By working together, we emphasize we all share responsibility for our family home.

I should have taken a do-over when I said I didn’t have time. I should have looked more closely at my schedule and really considered if getting the dishes done was more important that looking at the newly discovered caterpillar, or returning overdue library was more important than listening to a stressed-out teenager. When we emphasize our children over the less important things in life, they notice and know they are loved.

But most of all, I should have called more do-overs when my children needed them. When they brought home a poor grade or stern note from the teacher, or pitched a fit in the middle of the store, I should have told them all about do-overs. I should have explained that sometimes things don’t work out like we want them to, but we can try again. I would have helped them with their homework, talked about ways to make amends, or waited for the screaming to subside to find ways to salvage the excursion (perhaps on the way out to the car).

After all, growing up is challenging, mistakes are made, and disagreements happen. By teaching our children to stop and start over, we offer them a way to keep going when difficulties arise.

About the Author:

Luanne Davidson is the proud mother of three adult children and wonders what might have been if she had done a thing or two differently. She writes her “Coulda, Woudla, Shoulda” column each Thursday.