Coulda, Woulda, Shoulda: I Should Have Chosen More Role Models

As parents, we want to provide good examples for our children to follow. But as they grow, children tend to choose their own role models. By talking regularly about whom we each admired and why, my family could have learned more about role models and about each other.

I would have started when my children were toddlers. I would have entered into their world and noticed who made them happy. Whether it was the Muppets or the next door neighbor, we would talk about why a particular person made them feel good. If kindness, a welcoming smile, or a shared interest in cookies made them happy, we would talk about trying to emulate that same characteristic. We would practice and then talk about the results. By emphasizing a positive characteristic over a character, my toddler would begin to recognize qualities they admired in a role model.

As my children grew older, their role models would shift to their peers and other adults. I would ask them who they liked best and why. If they admired someone for a talent, we would talk about how that person achieved and maintained that talent. If they admired someone for his achievements, we would talk about the particular achievement and how it was accomplished. If they admired a particular personality trait, whether good or bad, we would talk about the effects that trait had on others. I would listen as they explained why a particular characteristic appealed to them. By understanding why they admire a role model, children can begin to understand their own personalities and view their role models more objectively.

As a parent, I would have shared my own role models – both past and present. I would have admitted when I chose role models who disappointed me and caused me to make poor decisions. I would have shared stories of people who have inspired me. I would have looked at the personal interests of my children and found stories of people who shared the same interests. By helping to expand their world of influence, I could give my children new options for choosing people to follow while still respecting their choices.

The most important thing is to talk to our children and find out who they are following. If it is someone who is rich, ask why our child feels wealth is to be admired. If they admire a particular actor, watch an actor’s performance together and research his personal life. If they admire a musician, listen to the music together, talk about the lyrics, and then talk about the person. By taking an interest in who our children admire, we are taking an interest in our children.

We want our children to grow up with good role models but they are going make their own choices. By talking about whom they are following and why, we can begin to understand the unique personalities of our children, and we may end up with a few new role models of our own.

About the Author:

Luanne Davidson is the proud mother of three adult children and wonders what might have been if she had done a thing or two differently. She writes her “Coulda, Woudla, Shoulda” column each Thursday.